I’m not an environmentalist, I just play one on TV. I think that natural resources are an amazing asset that should be used with care and caution. At the top of my list of those not playing by my rules are logging and mining companies. It is no coincidence that these industries (almost) rhyme with “plundering”.

Oregon was once pristine. I will spare you the manifest destiny speech and get straight to the point: our planet’s ecosystem is nearly destroyed.

It really is. Earth is experiencing a Human Dilemma. Earth likes its humans, but they are making a huge mess.

It’s a good thing for conservationists. Take the National Forest Circus, I mean Service, for example. According to this press release, they are in the Siuslaw National Forest outside of Eugene as we speak “Working with our Partners to Restore the Land“.

I photographed some of the lovely restoration projects on Siuslaw River just this morning (click to enlarge):

Wow! An operational Slash and Burn logging operation! What a great “Partner”! Thanks National Forest Circus… I mean Service!

During WWI and WWII, the allied countries asked their good citizens to plant food gardens. This had two effects: to alleviate pressure on the food supply and to boost the morale of the peoples through work and production.

Last time I checked, America was fighting at least two wars. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so a group in Coburg, OR called Cascadia Food Not Lawns wants you two rip up your lawn and plant a vegetable garden!

Grass is so passé in Lane County, anway.

Yes, indeed, the recession is upon us. I’m no economist, but after a decade of stuffing our faces with prime rib and lobster,  and driving our M1 Abrams tank two blocks to the grocery store, and then building gargantuan tracts of pathetically constructed 5 million dollar suburban wasteland spec homes and selling them to janitors, I have only one thing to say: THIS SHOULD NOT HAVE SURPRISED ANYONE.

George Bush said two things that I agreed with in eight years: that OB/GYNs should be free to share their love with women all across the country and that Wall Street was “drunk with greed”.

I read that last year 40% of the world’s money disappeared. Where did it go? No one knows because MONEY ISN’T REAL. Sure, money is cool looking and we need it to pay the rent… but it magically disappears! What kind of a “friend” magically disappears? I’ll tell you, a really crappy one.

I have a suggestion for you, my gentle reader: make new friends. Do something that you love to do with your time. Write the book, paint the picture, play the song. Go for a walk. Smell a rose. Stop by a real friend’s house and say hi. Don’t fret about the numbers on your bank statement, work on collecting the dividends of your gross domestic happiness.

Due to a failure of the world credit markets, increasing prices for fuel and commodities, and the possibility of a global recession, Americans are facing the foreclosure of their homes in record numbers this year. McCain and Obama have both introduced plans to alleviate the concerns of homeowners, but McCain has taken this plan one step further.

“A lot of politicians are focusing on the Americans who are unable to make their mortgage payment this month,” McCain said, “but no one is talking about the Americans who can’t afford to make their Hummer payment or to fill their Hummer’s gas tank. These are my constituents, greedy hard-working American assholes, and I am here to help these scumbags.”

Under McCain’s ambitious new plan, the treasury would buy all of the Hummers in the United States at full blue book value. “We are going to get this awful burden off of the American people’s shoulders,” McCain said, “And while I am at it, I am going to use these Hummers to fight the Wars on Terror in Iraq, Afghanistan, and to initiate my planned invasion of Iran in 2009.”

“Not only will our troops have the best vehicles to exterminate terrorists and insurgents with, they will also have some great new features in their combat battallions, such as leather seats, CD player with iPod compatibility, air conditioning, 25-inch chrome wheels with spinny disks, and TV sets in the headrests,” McCain said.”Our troops will be better equipped on the ground and will be better prepared to wage the most comfortable, luxurious never-ending wars in World history.”

I met a man named Michael S. Gardner on my neighbor’s porch last year. He had a handbound book with an anthology of the zine that he edits/publishes called Burnside Represent. I looked at it and asked if it was for sale and he seemed really surprised. “Yes! Yes it is!” he said. I gave him twenty bucks on the spot and went on my merry way.

Little did I know that I had signed a deal with the devil. Now, every two weeks, Michael sends me a copy of his newest publication. Rain, sleet, dark of hangover, the newest Burnside Represent hits my mailbox. I have a back log of issues in my bathroom waiting for perusal.

Keeping in mind that I have now met Michael twice, it is both miraculous and sad that he is my #1 mail sender.

In honor of Michael, I am asking the world to do one thing and one thing only: START MAILING MORE CRAP.

Mail is a beautiful thing. Let me get all of you up to date on proper mailing technique. Basically, you put something in a box or envelope, put some colored money (stamps) on it, put that into a blue box on the corner and… Voila! some dude with burly, hairy calf muscles picks up that envelope or box and walks it straight over to your friends house!

Think of it like email, but with out the “e” part. Imagine the possibilities: instead of sending someone an impersonal email forward of a funny cat hat, you could send them an actual hat for their cat! Now, what do you think of that?!

Bottom Line: Mail is totally the most awesome genius invention ever. Why didn’t I think of mail? I’m always late on the good ideas.

I have set up a makeshift mail station in my home. Please send me your address (or email me) and I promise to mail you some awesome garbage from my awesome mail station. All that I ask in return is that you also construct a postage center in your dining room and mail me something random or valuable.

Timothy Herby Belrose

1539 SE 21st Ave.

Portland Oregon 97214

See you in my mailbox.